Reflection
by Jessica Amanda Potter
Summary: Draco Malfoy reveals in this diary entry about how he truly feels about Harry, Ron, Hermione, and his father's wanting for him to become a Death Eater after "The Goblet of Fire". Set to Christina Aguilara's "Reflection".


Title: Reflection  
  
Look at me  
  
You may think you see Who I really am But you'll never know me  
  
July 31, 1995 It's a common fact of what today is. Everyone knows it. It's his birthday. Harry Potter's. Yeah, I know, big whoop. He-Who-Defeated-the-Dark-Lord is now a sweet fifteen. In the past, my father and I have celebrated this date by cursing Potter's name whenever we could. But today, I just remained silent while my father ranted on about Harry. "What's wrong, Draco?" my father asked, looking concerned when we sat down to dinner. "You've been really quiet all summer." I have been quiet all summer. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About the end of the past school year, when the Dark Lord came back. About how Cedric Diggory was killed by Wormtail and Harry and the Dark Lord dueled and how Harry escaped. (I got the details from various rumors and from Dad.) And about what's going to happen now that He's returned. "Nothing," I lied quietly. However, I cannot lie very well to my father. He can always tell when I am lying. He straightened up and cast me a dark look from his cold blue eyes. "You do know that with His rebirth He will need more supporters than ever before, especially with all this 'rebuilding the wizarding world and protecting the Muggles' crap going on." Of course Dad must mention that. He's been bugging me all summer about me becoming a Death Eater. I really wish he would stop bugging me about it. "I have talked to Him about it, and although He thinks that you're a little young to be working for him, He will gladly welcome you into the troupe. I'm thinking about having you initiated by your sixteenth birthday in March. What do you think, son?" He turned his head up and stared intently into my eyes, probably expecting to hear an enthusiastic response such as: "Of course Daddy, I'm thrilled at the news that Voldemort will allow me to be with such an honorable cast to wreak and ravage the world to oblivion!" But I couldn't truthfully say that. At least, not to him. "Yeah, Dad, that's great." I tried to sound pleased. Dad seemed content with my response. "That's my boy, upholding the Malfoy name," he grinned, cutting his fillet mignon that one of our house-elves had put in front of him. "You will uphold the family honor." I faked a smile and ate my dinner quietly. The fillet was good, as always, yet I felt like I was about to throw it all up. I quickly excused myself after I was done and ran up to my room.  
  
Every day  
  
It's as if I play a part  
  
Sitting on my queen-sized bed and looking at the view from my balcony, I can't believe I put up with him. My father, I mean. I love him, and I know that he wants only the best for me and my life and for the family, but has he ever really considered that maybe I don't want to be a Death Eater? No, he hasn't. I can't tell him that however. He'd be furious. And I don't want to displease him. No, I love him. I swear I do. I just cannot let him control my life like a puppeteer controls his puppet. But that isn't all I hide from him. And he'd definitely kill me if he found out how I truly felt about them. Potter, Weasley, and Granger.  
  
Now I see  
  
If I wear a mask I can fool the world  
  
But I cannot fool my heart  
  
I mean, Potter isn't a bad kid. Not at all. He's pretty civil around people and almost never has anything bad to say about anyone (at least to their face). He always knows what to do whenever faced with a problem and always triumphs over it. Predictable, yes, but could you blame him? I don't. Or at least I wouldn't. But I got off on the wrong foot with him when we first met. I was young, naïve, and believed that my father was God himself and his words were true. I remember asking Potter to be my ally, that I could help him with finding the right families to mingle with and which ones were the wrong sort. You want to know what he told me? "I think I can tell who the wrong sort are for myself, thanks." It wasn't the words that hurt me the most, it was the way he said them. Like I was a "wrong sort" myself. I have convinced myself to hate him since then but given the events of June, I can't say I don't feel any pity for him. In fact, I don't think that anything that happened between him and Voldemort was his fault. There, I said it. But I guess it's true. But his cronie, Weasley, is who really gets on my nerves. Or at least, should get on my nerves. Weasleys and Malfoys are notorious rival families and the Weasleys are dirty, grungy, and have no money. Depressing, isn't it? But Weasley has his wits about him, always knows what to say, and can be quite aggressive when he wants to be. Qualities that I admire in a person, qualities that I wish I had. But he also sticks by his convictions and never lets anyone push him around. How I wish I was like that. Unfortunately, I'm not. But Granger.I don't even know if I should go into it. The secret I have kept up for the longest time.  
  
Who is that girl I see  
  
Staring straight back at me? When will my reflection show  
  
Who I am inside?  
  
Hermione Granger, Potter and Weasley's girlfriend. Daughter of Muggles, yet the most intelligent girl that I've ever met. Top of the class, always spouting off some random fact that no one else would know but her, committed to her studies, all the teachers' favorite. What is there not to hate about her? Or to love about her. I didn't even really notice her until last year. Until then, Granger was the book-wormish nerdy part of Potter and Company, always with the highest grade in class, competition for highest GPA in our year. Annoying, she was. But then I saw her at the Yule Ball. She was wearing long, silky periwinkle robes, with her hair bushed out of her face. Her teeth were perfectly straight and produced a radiant smile. She was gorgeous. I couldn't believe my eyes. She had emerged from a caterpillar into a butterfly.  
  
I am now  
  
In a world where I have to hide my heart And what I believe in But somehow I will show the world what's inside my heart And be loved for who I am  
  
Not that she doesn't have a heart as well. She has always been sympathetic to those who are in need. I remember one time we bumped into each other last year at school. I was trying to get to Ancient Runes class and collided head-on with Granger, scattering the books she was carrying across the hallway. "Whoops, sorry," I mumbled as I scrambled to help her pick them up. "It's no problem," she mumbled as she gathered her books. Then she looked up and saw me. "Malfoy! What are you doing here?" "Going to class." This was getting kinda awkward, being with the Woman-who- I-love-who's-friends-with-my-"enemy". "Um." She bit her lip like this was an awkward moment for her too. "Well, thank you for helping me get my stuff." "No prob," I said, pretty sure I was turning pink. "It's okay, don't worry about it." She got up and began to walk off to her class, but then stopped, turned around to face me, and said the most beautiful words that anyone has ever said to me. "You know, maybe you're not as ruthless as you seem to be." And before I could reply, she disappeared off into the crowd of students in the hallway.  
  
Who is that girl I see  
  
Staring straight beck at me? Why is my reflection Someone I don't know? Must I pretend that I'm Someone else for all time? When will my reflection show  
  
Who I am inside?  
  
I never meant to be mean and cruel to them, at least not in the beginning. But it was the only way I knew how to handle them. It fell into a pattern over the next four years: Potter was everyone's favorite pint-size stuck-up celebrity always followed by runt-of-a-family Weasley and their know-it-all Mudblood friend Granger. As time passed, the more I fell into this pattern and the harder it was for me to get out of it. But now with the events of last year (and despite the hex he put on me in the train on the way home, which I've never quite gotten over) I can't help but think that maybe I shouldn't be treating Potter and Company this way. I mean, Potter has a lot more shit to go through now. I can only imagine what type of mark the past events have made on him. And the pain the Dark Lord put him through, I can't believe it. I wouldn't want to go through that. Not even in the name of Voldemort himself.  
  
There's a heart that must be free  
  
To fly That burns with a need to know The reason why  
  
Why must we all conceal What we think How we feel? Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?  
  
I feel like I'm trapped in a box. A box I have been forced into. By dear old Dad. I let my father push me around all my life, controlling what I thought about people, the world I live in, and myself. Yet now, I'm thinking for myself. I am, for the first time in my life, thinking outside the box. I don't need Dad to think for me anymore. I'm free. And with that freedom, I know what I can do now. I'm going to go downstairs and tell Dad that I'll be proud to become a Death Eater. But I won't tell him that I'm going to become Voldemort's servant so I could work against Him. Working for Him, I can learn about his evil plans for world domination, and if I reveal that information before He can do anything about it, He can be stopped and everything will be okay. At least, I hope it will. Making my own rules and setting out to do what I think is right rather than what Dad thinks is right. I like the sound of that. This also means I'll probably have to become an ally to Potter and his friends. I know that initially they won't trust me. I mean, I've given them enough hell to make them despise me. But maybe they'll see who I want to be and recognize my wanting to help them out, not hurt them. And then, it'll be the four of us, working together to expel the legions of evil as we know it. Now I like the sound of that. No longer will I let people push me around. I'll think and act on my own terms. I'm going to go into my fifth year at Hogwarts a new man.  
  
I won't pretend that I'm  
  
Someone else for all time When will my reflection show Who I am inside? When will my reflection show  
  
Who I am inside?  
  
~FIN~ 


End file.
